I loved you wholeheartedly and with every piece of me; if you ever wake up and think that I am not somewhere in this little blue planet searching my mind for the mention of your name or the image of your face then you must know there is something wrong with the cosmos that day, because every hour that goes past that is what I'm doing. I know the only way to stop myself hurting is to pretend I don't love you any more, which is what I have been trying to do ever since and that night I almost walked out on you I thought I had achieved the greatest of deceptions; I'd fooled myself that you meant anything to me. Then your nose started to bleed. I didn't have to question what was happening or why; I knew this happened to you all the time. I knew. I knew I hadn't really fooled anyone. I love the way you smell differently in the morning when you've been asleep. I love how you're not neat around the edges and you always look a bit dishevelled and lopsided in a wonderful way. I love the way your mouth goes wonky when you smile. Whenever I think back to before, I picture it like a film: we woke up together in the duvet with the sun peeking into our warm sleeping den and we spoke about words and poetry and sang songs and danced whilst lying down, all until something commanded that we must leave our little sanctuary. We could lie for hours and pull faces at eachother, occasionally reminding one another that the human being we were sharing those precious seconds with was the most wondrous of all creatures. I am so happy it happened. I have learned from you and from loving you. I do not regret any hour spent basking in your presence. I am sad now because my movie has finished; you are not the same wondrous creature who spent with me a whole night wide eyed in a car, in a small road, enjoying the possibilities of youth. "All the World's a stage, and all the men and women merely players"; I have never believed in this quote so strongly - you played a spectacular role in the most perfect of plays. Only playing however. I miss believing in you. You will most likely never read this or know this is how I felt at this particular time, or know the impact you have had on my life. I will never fail to be amazed at how a human being is so moved by another; moved to tears, moved to laughter, anger, murder - great art, literature and drama have all been created due to such things. I do believe in my love for you. Someone once said the best love is the kind that weakens the soul; you weakened mine and I will love you every day of my life for that very fact, you beautiful, beautiful being.

Dying without a bonus

As we read of more managing directors getting bonuses that we could only dare to dream of, we also see cuts made in public sectors; less firemen, less nurses, less council workers. The government is playing a macarbre Robin Hood role, but instead taking from the poor and endlessly supplying the mega rich. Today I heard about a little boy who's social worker is campaigning to get him his own defibrillator and the NHS are refusing him due to cuts in the public sector. So far the government have promised to cut council funding, money to the emergency services and the NHS; footballers earn millions of pounds a year and save no one's lives, yet people who are crucial to society are being deemed worthless. A banker will not die without another million pound bonus, our society will not cease to function without footballers, yet this little boy could stop breathing is he doesn't receive a defibrillator soon. He is unable to speak for himself, but is he could, he would not be asking for millions of pounds or VIP treatment, he is asking for a right to a better life; he is asking for the right to keep breathing, something which we all take for granted every second of every day. I looked around me and think we must live in a sick and twisted world to think that people who are dying are being denied basic medical treatment; we are not a fair country in any way, shape or form. While bankers sit around, destroy our economy and steal from the public, this little boy keeps smiling and struggles to even lift his foot out of his wheelchair. As the famous song goes, "What a wonderful world" eh?

Education

I had such an interesting discussion with my English teacher today about the point of education. Earlier on in the day I had had to sit through physics with my teacher who believes education is purely for the purpose of passing exams. Luckily in English we put the world to rights and we all agreed it was to inspire someone to love a subject. A really successful teacher is someone who can make a pupil love the subject so much that they explore it even after the exam is over. I will always love English and always have, but I think that during the gcse course I have fallen in love with it. I am fascinated; I could listen to a lecture on English lit or lang for hours on end. I always scribble far too many notes. I have a really interesting topic that we discussed in English that I was jot down in a post tomorrow, but for now I shall go to bed.

This weekend will be so horribly busy. I’m going to lock myself in my room with candles and music until my work is done.

I am so utterly dissatisfied with people's attitudes. I resent how people act towards education or adventure; no one explores any more. This is partly the reason I am so rude to so many people. I am a nice person I think deep down; I have lovely thoughts and am quite spiritual at heart which may shock many who know me. Truth is there is no one who knows me wholeheartedly except my family and even they see someone far different from what I am. I love to wander on my own and soak in my own company and own thoughts because not one person on this planet will ever see the world through my eyes. I am not frightened of someone disagreeing with me and there is no fear or being wrong, but I think it is that I am uncertain of letting anybody into my little world because they might corrupt it or destroy some of the beautiful things. I am exceedingly old fashioned; although I enjoy the luxuries of modern day Britain I think these have replaced any emotional or moral luxuries we may have had beforehand. I want to be swept off my feet and to dance like a flapper girl with someone to the music my grandparents swooned over. That is my ultimate fantasy. I have always believed in a soul and the fact that when someone dies it is not the end of them: I think this is more of a comfort than anything but everybody carries their loved ones with them after death anyway so I don't think it is an unhealthy belief.

I hate the fact that boys poke you in the face. I am aware that this doesn't apply to most boys but I have discovered one who is a face poker and just wish instead of divulging so much energy into this action would actually go to college and educate himself so that maybe, one day, hopefully, we could engage in an intelligent conversation. This makes me so utterly sad that it is "uncool" to attend school; this is why my heart is set on Cambridge University. The people there will want to learn and want to explore the world and I think this is all I will ask for in life: to learn as I adventure through life albeit most likely in my most common own company.

I want something interesting to happen.

I’m so bored of school and the same old things every day; it drives me insane knowing I will wake up to the same four walls and then go to the same school to do the same subjects in the same uniform. I want something mad to happen, it doesn’t even have to be a good thing. I want something to challenge me now in life and make me question things; even if it makes me angry or distraught I want it to happen because in the end it always makes you better. I want someone to come along who isn’t the same; I want someone to surprise me and do something really weird and spontaneous. I love being shocked. By “someone” I mean a guy as my friends and guy friends are beautiful but anyone I get to like turns out to be absolutely the same and eventually it all fizzles out. I want someone to make me belly laugh or someone to make me question everything I believe in but not in a way that we argue, but that we talk and learn together. Gah I suppose I am so old fashioned in this way; I find my grandparents whole life together so perfect and I just wish it was like that with people now.

I need someone to remind me that the world is a beautiful place.

Today at least, I need someone. I feel so lonely, and not because of what's happened, but because I have realised that when you go home at night you really are alone.